Thursday, January 15, 2009

My Love/Hate with America

I love America for many reasons. I have 10 generations of blood in this country. Looking at my family's history here, I cannot help but feel a deep sense of pride for their accomplishments as well as their struggles and hardships. They came here from Europe in hopes of a better life. They were willing to leave everything behind for nothing more than the idea of opportunity. I've learned that along the way some had money and success and some lived entire lives in poverty. I love and honor them all the same for they are my blood; my beginnings. When I look at my nephew I see my Mother. When I look at my Mother, I see my Grandmother. When I had my Grandmother, I would stare deep into her eyes to catch a trace of her Mother's eyes, and when I've looked at pictures of her Mother, I've searched her eyes for a hint of her Mother's eyes. No matter who's eyes I've looked into, there has always been a familiarity, a thread that connects me to them. It's more than that; it's a feeling in your heart that tells you they're part of what makes you you. It's not easy to articulate the importance of things like family, race, culture, heritage or legacy. It seems only those connected by blood can truly understand what a bond really is. I guess that's what they mean when they say "blood is thicker than water."

In America it's hard to find a white person willing to openly admit that they feel pride in their race for fear of looking like a "racist". On the other hand, a black person that proclaims pride in their race is respected.
What is race anyway? I believe it's an extension of family. When we look at the clans of the Scottish people, or Native American tribes, it's undeniable that is quite natural for human beings to bond together based on commonality. Race is no different. When Chinese people choose to live together in Chinese communities and carry on with life in the customs and traditions of their people, it's respected and supported. When blacks came together to form organizations like The National Association For The Advancement Of Colored People, they did so to preserve and protect their race, culture and traditions. The word "advancement" literally means "to move forward". We now have, because of the growing numbers of Middle Easterners, a group called, The Islamic Society Of North America". Their mission is to protect and support the Islamic race and culture here in America. I have a problem with the fact that it's not acceptable for whites in America to do the same things. Any white group that forms with the same concept of preservation is invariably considered a "hate group". This is is a dangerous hypocrisy. Non-whites want to "preserve", "protect" and "advance" their races in America, but white Americans with multiple generations on this soil are not allowed the same right. I have a huge problem with that fact. At 48 years old, I've grown up in a country dominated by a White power structure, pure and simple. Europeans immigrated here in massive numbers and literally built this country on their backs. American culture is a product of European cultures merging together to become a hybrid culture. Think of the word "Americana". Images of the 4th of July, white picket fences and flag waving Patriotism fill the mind; not images of a Multi-cultural splinter groups. Our culture is rooted firmly in European culture, yet cultivated in American soil. I like it that way; because I'm one of the hybrids and this is my "tribe", and because I'm an Aquarius and a defender of fairness. Thousands and thousands of our European ancestors came here, built this country through good, old fashioned hard labor, fought in wars to defend her, lived entire lives patriotic and proud, died as Americans and are buried in her soil. America is the legacy of their Grandchildren and Great-Grandchildren and so on.
From 1860 to 1920 there were 31.4 million European people in America. There were only 4.4 million black people and very little else. My point? It is inarguable that Europeans built America considering this fact. Europeans were the majority.
Undoubtedly slavery was wrong; but it was also wrong to encourage Africans to remain in America and abandon their culture or to use the Chinese for labor. It went directly against the intent of the Forefathers. None of these injustices against mankind should have been allowed. Conversely, actions to reverse these mistakes should have been taken. The integrity of European culture was compromised. We are now living the reality of that mistake.
America was to be a country where Europeans could come together and create a new existence of freedom, peace and prosperity. These basic principles have been hijacked. I believe this is the reason America is in the state it is in now. A selfish and evil few sold us out and we are now paying the price.
The original immigrants came to America as a "family" of Europeans to expand on the collective cultures and heritage of their people. When we allowed the inclusion of African, Arabic, Asian and Hispanic people we set ourselves on a path of the destruction of those principles. The integrity of the culture of the peoples aforementioned is never compromised. Why then should ours be? I truly believe that human beings are capable of embracing each other's cultures; however I do not believe we are meant to, or naturally tolerant of the merging of our races and cultures with others. Though it works for few, it does not for most. Heritage, culture and tradition are extremely important to people. What we are asking people to do when we advocate for "Multi-culturalism" and race mixing is to wash away their ancestors; to completely sever that thread I spoke about, that connects them to their "family." I truly believe it is inherently wrong, not just for European people, but for all people. If God wanted us to be one race, it would simply be. I believe we disrespect not only ourselves but the long line of people who came before us when we consider such. If you ask any black person if they want to see black people become a new "hybrid" race, I'm confident they would answer a passionate no.
Why is it then that Europeans are expected to dilute themselves? Why would we want to put an end to Irish culture or Italian culture? Why would we as European people, want to throw away the customs and traditions of our people to appease non-whites? I have come to despise political correctness because it has been morphed into something horribly wrong and unfair. Political correctness, for all of it's original good intent, is now a weapon used against white people in America. If you're European, you cannot show ANY pride whatsoever in being so. You cannot belong to an organization for the advancement of the white race. You cannot wear your white pride in the streets. You not only cannot express that pride, but you are looked down upon for even having it in the first place. European people have allowed themselves to be put in a "choke hold" by non-whites. We mistakenly allowed too many non-Europeans to immigrate to America and they are showing strength in numbers. History has proven that this is a recipe for the destruction of any great society. I don't get how or why European people in power allowed this to happen, but I am heartsick. I feel like our race has been thrown under the proverbial bus. Unfortunately by our own people. These are white people who march in the streets for the causes of non-whites. These people publicly frown upon racism but secretly sell their houses when blacks start moving in. I call these people "enablers of their own demise". They suffer from classic "white guilt". They selfishly seek to shine a politically correct light upon themselves while selling out their own race and culture; thus promoting their individual self destruction. My Mother says the first thing most white people do when they make any money is buy separatism. Not out of hatred or intolerance; but out of the inherent need to flock with birds of a feather. I love her raw honesty.

The sudden election of a black man, one who had been virtually unknown by the general public, with zero qualifications AND a very shady past proves my point about white guilt and political correctness.
I believe most human beings to be incapable of embracing the differences in each other in terms of co-existence. It is rare and only works when one becomes inferior to the other.
Some things we know as fact:
1)Every racial group wants the power in society.

2) A melting pot is successful only if the ingredients are complementary to one another.

3)Nature dictates that the strong survive.

No race will ever be willing to disappear into the pot. America is a failed concept for that reason. Blacks want power, Muslims want power, Mexicans want power, Chinese want power, but the power in America should remain in the hands of the original descendants of the European "family". America's principles are based in those of Europe. This is our legacy. I cannot stand the idea of that legacy being taken from us like a bully on the school yard.
Have you ever watched a dog sneak up and take another dog's bone as soon as he takes his eye off of it? That is the true nature of the animal and human alike. One of our biggest flaws is the unwillingness to accept and respect our animalistic nature. That is not meant to suggest that European Americans should hurt or kill people that are different than us or not part of our clan, rather that we simply understand the threat we are under in our own country and take action against it. Just as animals fight for domination over one another; humans do as well. From a logical standpoint, there are only two ways this situation can go; European people in America will continue their complacency until they are the minority and completely dominated by non-whites, or we will have to once again divide and fight against each other in the streets in the interest of preservation. Rome, a once great civilization fell. Why would we be so arrogant as to believe we will not suffer the same fate?
Today is my birthday, ironically the same as Abraham Lincoln's. I've always had a kinship with him. I wanted to know who he really was; not the edited version of a great President but who he was as a human being. I've known for years that he was not the man we have come to know in history class. Abraham Lincoln was a true Aquarian in that he was a humanitarian, a complex thinker, a master of profound oration... and a conflicted soul. He was what we call an Enigma or Conundrum. He himself owned slaves yet he felt compassion for their plight and knew it was morally wrong. He emancipated slaves yet tried to work it into the deal that they be shipped out of America to Libya where they would be safe from African persecution . He spoke about equality and giving blacks the right to vote yet he made it clear he was against race mixing in any context. Abraham Lincoln was the epitome of the human condition of inner conflict. I know that if he were to see what his actions did to the country he loved so much, he would not have taken them. I believe he would have taken a different course. I think at the end of the Civil War he realized his mistake in the interest of the political correctness of his day. It was too late though; lives were lost and America was on it's way to destruction. You can see it on his face. He was weary and lacked the confidence of his earlier days. He knew he had taken the wrong road. We are taking the wrong road. We are forgoing our cultural cohesiveness in the interest of "Political Correctness". The problem is that we are no longer considered or respected as hosts of the country handed down to us by our ancestors, rather, European people are a force to be weakened, divided and conquered. I don't believe this is right with God. All Races and cultures deserve protection and respect. What is happening in America is the methodical destruction of European culture in America.

It's mine and Lincoln's birthday today. I'm gonna make a wish for two.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Resignation

I am officially at the point in my life where choosing to not have a child has shown up to ring my doorbell and to slap me in the face. For years and years I told myself "maybe someday", knowing I probably wasn't going to do it. I believed it might not be right for me for various reasons. I was ok with that for the most part, then I wasn't, then I was, then I wasn't... you get the idea. Through the years you watch other people with kids and you tend to idealize things, but then somewhere in the back of your psyche you realize what you're doing and those thoughts are chased away by your deeper gut feelings. You finally get to the point where it would be crazy to even entertain those thoughts any longer. Then the sadness kicks in. All those years of procrastination and ambivalence have now turned into hard reality...it's too late. You wonder if you've made the right decision because now you're stuck with it. It's kind of like choosing to not go to a party... only bigger. ;) Someone tells you how fun the party was and you feel left out. Then someone else tells you the party sucked and you feel relieved. You'll never know what that party held for you personally but it's now only a missed opportunity; and the idea that you may have missed out on something really great tortures you! I think imagination is sometimes the enemy. I wonder is it possible to be both a dreamer AND a realist at the same time? Or is that precisely the problem with me??? Maybe women ARE never satisfied.

PS: I'm now worried about those other BIG ideas that have always lived in my head... does this mean I'm not really going to go to India and be a charity worker? What do ya mean I won't be sitting next to the Dalai Lama chanting Buddhist prayers? I better get off this computer, I seem to be diverting my real destinies through Myspace!

My broken body part

5 days and counting until this 30 pound weight is removed from the right side of my body. That's what a cast feels like; a weight. To say it sucks is superfluous. A body needs to be in literal balance or everything is off. I've been "off" for about 7 weeks now... well, my Mother says I've always been a little "off". But then again so is she; and for that matter just about everybody I know or have ever come across. Being "off" can be a good thing because it makes you an individual. If someone sees you as "off", what they are really seeing is someone uniquely different than themselves... and that's definately a good thing. I enjoy being different than anybody else. I like being "off"... just not literally. My poor, poor other leg has been taking all of the work and weight of the entire body. Can you imagine standing on one foot for 7 weeks? Seriously, absolutely NO weight on the bad foot at all. It's weird and cool at the same time to realize your own body compensating and dealing with injury. I kind of feel like I have no choice in all of this; like an unwilling spectator. I watched my leg snap in half and now I'm watching my body mend itself. I can't wait to watch as they saw this thing off and reveal my new leg to me. I understand it will not look like my old leg for a while. I for one will be horrified at the amount of hair that has been allowed to sprout free while I've lost all hygiene control on that particular limb. I'm ready for that. What I'm not ready for is the muscle atrophy and all the rehab I've got to do. I've always had "athletic" legs; the kind that should never try to pull off pumps. And though I've sometimes hated my big calves, I've always liked it when strangers ask if I play soccer. Since I have no desire to bust out with a pair of pumps in this lifetime... I'll gladly take my old leg back. I'll just take it home, wash it, shave it and remind it that it's expected to think it's still 20.

On this desk...

... is my life. Coffee cup with a cold sip left. Lots of tear stains... it's amazing how tears can actually strip varnish. Bills I try not to make eye contact with. Cup holding a shitload of pens, yet I seem to grab the same one every time. A half alive plant that came from a half alive relationship. A Buddha on a spring that looks kind of like a bouncing penis... is this a message from above? Reciepts from my most recent self indulgences and must haves; cute boots, jelly bellys and a carwash. An overdue movie I can't bring myself to watch but won't return either. A $20. dollar bill that I swear was $100. before I went out last night. A lottery ticket I've never checked... I could be a millionaire and not even know it. A list of love story movies I always thought I'd watch with her. Dust.

Gone

So, why do I love women? I'll attempt to articulate. Women are magical. Women are seductive and sexy in ways a man simply cannot be. Ever heard the saying, "Smells like girl"? It's not a certain perfume or soap or lotion; it's the smell of femininity; of the kind of softness that melts you; that takes your breath away. Have you ever studied the nape of a woman's neck? It's like the gentle pedestal of a precious jewel. A woman does not need hair or makeup to be beautiful; she needs only to look into your eyes and you're gone; gone away to a sublime world of cush; keenly aware of all senses at once. Every woman I have ever loved has mesmerized me and stolen pieces of me...but I was willing. Women are like a drug you cannot kick... they become the thread of your being.
If you have ever been loved, truly loved by a woman, you're lucky.

Nancy

Funny, I was able to choose the category for this particular blog... "Life" That's what it is, isn't it, when someone dies. Nancy was only 25 years old. She died of a horrible mistake made by medical professionals last week. I attended her funeral and watched as so many of her friends were devastated at the loss of this very sweet and kind girl. I did not know her as well as they did. I couldn't help wishing I had. She was always kind to me and made the effort to make me feel welcome. She was special in her own unique-to-this-world kind of way. We all are. If we could only realize that before someone dies and treat them as if they may be gone tomorrow. The last time I hung out with Nancy I tried to make her a plate of food at a party. She did not have much appetite. So instead I pulled a giant Ghiradelli chocolate/caramel candy bar that I had been hording for myself out of my pocket and offered it to her. Her face lit up as she snatched it out of my hand. I'm so glad I did that. That was the last time I saw her.