Resignation

I am officially at the point in my life where choosing to not have a child has shown up to ring my doorbell and to slap me in the face. For years and years I told myself "maybe someday", knowing I probably wasn't going to do it. I believed it might not be right for me for various reasons. I was ok with that for the most part, then I wasn't, then I was, then I wasn't... you get the idea. Through the years you watch other people with kids and you tend to idealize things, but then somewhere in the back of your psyche you realize what you're doing and those thoughts are chased away by your deeper gut feelings. You finally get to the point where it would be crazy to even entertain those thoughts any longer. Then the sadness kicks in. All those years of procrastination and ambivalence have now turned into hard reality...it's too late. You wonder if you've made the right decision because now you're stuck with it. It's kind of like choosing to not go to a party... only bigger. ;) Someone tells you how fun the party was and you feel left out. Then someone else tells you the party sucked and you feel relieved. You'll never know what that party held for you personally but it's now only a missed opportunity; and the idea that you may have missed out on something really great tortures you! I think imagination is sometimes the enemy. I wonder is it possible to be both a dreamer AND a realist at the same time? Or is that precisely the problem with me??? Maybe women ARE never satisfied.

PS: I'm now worried about those other BIG ideas that have always lived in my head... does this mean I'm not really going to go to India and be a charity worker? What do ya mean I won't be sitting next to the Dalai Lama chanting Buddhist prayers? I better get off this computer, I seem to be diverting my real destinies through Myspace!